


Head Archivist of the Memes

by CherryPie9



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, Crack, Fluff, I mean we'll keep the things that result from the worms, I promise, I'm really sorry about this one boys, OR we can just pretend that the statement in the first chapter, Okay everything isn't the same, Sorry!, The Mechanisms Were The Archivist's College Band, but I don't want to write about them, can we just like forget about the worms?, everything is the same except Jon knows vines, im bad at taggin, is like the very beginning of season 1, it will be gay, lets do that cause its easier
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:33:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24084394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CherryPie9/pseuds/CherryPie9
Summary: This is a crack fic inspired by a tumblr post that I will link once I figure out how. I am not a writer but I needed to see this fic in the world. I have other ideas for this so I might add more.
Comments: 54
Kudos: 275





	1. Construction time lads

**Author's Note:**

> This idea was generated after a tumblr post by @tma-incorrectquotes. My friend and I messed around for a few minutes produced enough shitty ideas for 7 chapters. The title was from another friend who suggested that when I asked them for synonyms to "meme lord"

It was a Wednesday when they found out Jon knew about vines. 

Jon had just finished recording a statement about some creepy retirement home in Manchester. Tim didn’t understand why Jon had forced them into his god awful grey 2000 Chevy metro but he went along with it cause honestly he’d take any excuse to get out of that archive. Martin stayed behind because Jon didn’t want to leave the archive unattended in case someone came in with a statement. Martin, being generally the most welcome and hospitable of the assistants, decided to stay and “hold down the fort.” This sadly means he missed the infamous day that would shatter the reality that Tim and Sasha lived in. 

Jon was driving, if you could call the crawl that they were traveling at, ‘driving.’ Apparently, Jon’s cautious and borderline paranoid ways extend beyond the workplace and into his car. 

“Hey boss-man?” 

“What, Tim?” Jon wearily asked the man in the passenger seat. Sasha was crowded in the back after Tim yelled “Shotgun!!!” on the way to the car. They all got in while Jon grumbled something about running a damn daycare. 

“Are you sure you have the right glasses prescription?” 

Jon frowned and self consciously readjusted the glasses on his face, clearly not catching on to whatever Tim was implying, “Yes I’m quite sure that my glasses are just fine.”

“Oh well I was wondering cause, see, I just saw a sign that said the speed limit here is 40 and you’re doing-” he leans over Jon’s shoulder stretching his seat belt, “-32. You do know that it's possible to get pulled over for going too slow, right?” 

“Yes, Timothy, I am aware,” Jon huffed, clearly irritated, “And I would prefer it if you could refrain from backseat driving.” 

“Actually,” chimes in a feminine voice from the back, “Tim did call shotgun so he’s not  _ technically _ backseat driving. Now, if I were to say anything, that would be backseat driving.” 

Jon glances over at Tim which prompts him to wink while doing finger guns at his boss. 

Jon rolls his eyes and groans while Tim smirks kicking his feet up on the dash. 

For the rest of the trip, Tim reads every road sign they pass just in case Jon can’t see them, taking every chance to add his own commentary. 

“No hitch Hiking here which is too bad cause I was really hoping to catch a ride back so I could arrive home before my mother’s birthday.”

Jon learns, after the first few signs, not to say anything. He simply ignores Tim and his not so subtle jabs.

“Low shoulder! Oh dear old Mr. Sims you’ll fit right in!” He exclaims while leaning his head down so it’s resting on the shoulder of his 5’4” and highly perturbed boss. 

Jon’s knuckles are sheet white on his steering wheel and his pursed lips match. Jon bites his tongue to silence the quick remark he wanted to shoot back, but Sasha can tell, even from the back seat, that he’s reaching his wits end. She’s about to voice this to Tim and get him to lay off it for a while when Tim turns around in his seat. He gives her a quick wink and a mysterious smile, his eyes a light with mischief. She knows he’s seen something she can’t and braces herself for whatever he’s going to do. 

“Oh look, road work ahead?”

And he waits for Sasha to finish the line. Clearly that was her cue but the response doesn’t come from the backseat. Instead the quote is finished by the man to his right. 

“Yeah I sure hope it does.” 

A wicked grin spreads across Jon’s face as he pushes his foot down on the accelerator. Suddenly they’re going 3 miles over the limit and Tim is sputtering in his seat, his world turned upside down. He’s taken his feet off the dash, practically breaking his neck to whip around and stare at Sasha in wonder. 

Sasha is laughing so hard in the backseat that she’s silent and tears are streaming down her face. Tim is now open-mouthed gaping at this new man in front of him. He thought he had just witnessed Cinderella's transformation but instead of a lowly maid to a beautiful princess he watched his uptight boss turn into the ultimate meme lord. 

“Jon…” 

Jon smiles broadly, amused at the reaction of his coworkers. 

“Yes, Timothy?”

“What did you say?”

“You said ‘Road work ahead’ and I responded ‘yeah I sure hope it does.’ Did I mess up the quote?” He asks, knowing full well he did not. He’d seen enough compilations on YouTube to know the exact words, cadence, and tone. 

“So what?! You’re telling me that you know what vines are? Do you know what memes are too?!”

Jon scoffs at this, “Of course. God, I’m not a boomer like Elias.” 

This sends Sasha into another fit of uncontrollable giggles. Tim, for the first time Jon has ever seen, is completely speechless. 

After a long while, Sasha finally composes herself. Once she’s calmed down enough that her eyes are no longer clouded with tears, she whips out her phone. 

“Martin is never going to believe this.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The statement at the beginning of the chapter is MAG 36 Taken ill  
> 


	2. As you wish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry guys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so no new vine reference in this one. I promise I was going to but then I started writing this scene and got a little carried away so NEXT chapter will definitely have a new vine (although I still have to decided which one I want to do next cause i have so many ideas). I am aware the princess bride part of this goes on for longer than it should have but its my favorite movie and once I had written the part I just couldn't take it out. Bare with me.

Martin, in fact, did not believe them. 

There was no way in hell that his cute but highly annoying and up-tight boss and lowkey crush knew what a meme was, much less vine. The idea was as unfathomable as Tim being in a committed relationship or Elias being a murderer. Tim and Sasha must be pulling his leg. They know about his  ~~ hopeless crush ~~ admiration of Jon and they were obviously trying to influence his opinions on their surly coworker although in what way, Martin was unsure. 

Did the idea of Jon knowing internet culture make him more or less attractive? Honestly Martin couldn’t say. He wasn’t sure if it would do either. He liked Jon for who Jon was however abrasive and obnoxious he was, and if that happened to include vine quoting, well then that was what it was. Jon knowing a lick of pop culture would be shocking though. If he spent his time watching vines what other normal things might he do?

This thought led Martin down a dark rabbit hole where he wasted a good four hours attempting to find Jon on Twitter and then Instagram. Nothing came up except some obscure Neo-folk (whatever that meant) college band with a Johnny Sims as the lead singer. Martin dismissed this prosperous idea without so much as a glimpse at the photos. 

No, he’d definitely gone too far. Tim and Sasha were definitely messing with him. Jon did not know vines and the most quotable thing he probably knew was some movie like the princess bride. Martin smiled at the thought of Jon responding to a statement with the “inconceivable!” line just like in the movie. Now that Martin thought about it, his boss did resemble the short, bossy, hit-man from that movie. Did that make him, Andre the Giant and Tim, Inigo Montoya?

Martin yawned and decided that maybe he should put his phone down and go to sleep. He could rest easy because there was no way that Jon was in some college punk eyeliner band and he definitely did have an Instagram dedicated to some cat named The Major or The Colonel or something equally as silly. Now Martin had to deal with the fact that he’d wasted half of the night stalking his  ~~ crush ~~ boss online which meant he’d be showing up at work tomorrow feeling exhausted and creepy. 

“Oh well,” he mumbled as he reached to turn off the bedside lamp, plunging his megar bedroom into darkness. The city was still bustling outside his scarlet curtains as he drifted off to a dreamless sleep, content that he knew everything there was to know about his friend. 

\----------------------

Tim and Sasha tried to convince Martin that they were telling the truth for weeks. They reenacted the scene multiple times with Tim adding more and more expletives and embellishments each time. Sasha insisted that reality was funny enough that Tim could tone down on his creative liberties. She played the part of Jon because she seemed to have the uncanny ability to imitate him and his mannerisms. Nevertheless, Martin refused to believe them. 

Finally, Sasha and Tim had enough of this. It was driving them insane that they were the only ones who knew. They decided to confront Jon about it in the break room one day. 

He had just scurried out of his hobbit hole to snatch his lunch from the break room fridge when Sasha and Tim cornered him, determined to get him to confess. Martin was in the room making tea at the time and the room was feeling a bit cramped. 

“Hey bossman!” Tim said and Jon internally groaned. 

When Tim called him that he knew he was in the mood to pester his so-called-boss. 

“Yes Timothy,” Jon smirked back. Tim knew the use of his full name was Jon’s way of annoying him but not today. Today Tim was determined and he wasn’t going to let Jon get to him. 

“Do you remember the Manchester road trip from a few weeks ago?” 

Jon, having realized that they seemed unlikely to let him return to his cozy office to let him eat in peace, sat down and began to unwrap his peanut butter and jelly sandwich. 

“Yes I do. I believe we were following up a statement about a retirement home that had mysteriously burned down. Did you find more information or get a follow up?” 

Jon knew where this conversation was heading and he’d prefer not to have it. At the time, letting his pop culture knowledge out had seemed like a good idea simply because it got Tim to leave him alone. Now, he didn’t want to because he had an image to uphold. . It was easy to mess up and be unprofessional in the safety of his car but now that they were having this conversation in their place of employment, it seemed unprofessional. 

Also, and this is a relatively small factor, he was embarrassed to admit to Martin the hours he had wasted watching those 6 second videos. Jon wasn’t sure why he was so concerned what Martin thought of him. 

“We were thinking more about the ride up there. Do you remember if there was bad traffic cause I thought there was?” 

Jon holds up a finger while he takes his time chewing his sandwich and trying to unstick the peanut butter in his mouth. Tim starts looking more and more annoyed with him and starts tapping his foot. Jon knows what he’s doing and he’s rather enjoying it. 

“Hmm… yes I believe there was construction on the highway at the time.” 

Tim and Sasha exchanged an excited look and Jon’s face remained passive, trying to seem unfazed while he prepares to attempt to make a convincing lie. 

“Yeah do you remember what we were talking about when we arrived at the construction site?” Sasha chimes in trying to assist Tim in his interrogation of Jon. 

Jon had decided that his meme knowledge wasn’t embarrassing but it was obvious that Martin didn’t believe Tim and Sasha although he knew they had reenacted that car ride many times. His office was down the hall but Tim was loud and the walls were far from soundproof. (Although soundproofing the walls would make the recorded statements higher quality. He’d have to speak to Elias about that.) Although Jon had decided it wasn’t as embarrassing as he originally thought, he realized he could have some fun with this. No need to tell Martin anything right now. 

“I believe Timothy was being annoying, which, let be honest, isn’t anything new. Specifics of the conversation? No. That was a while ago and honestly there are more important things that I have to remember.” 

Sasha sighed. She didn’t believe him but she also knew Jon wasn’t going to say what they wanted him to. Tim, on the other hand, wasn’t willing to give up quite yet.

“You don’t remember anything about that conversation?” now he sounded more desperate, “Nothing about, say, vines?”

Jon put on a mask of confusion and annoyance

“No Tim, I don’t remember that although one time when I was little I fell into some poison ivy. It hurt like the Dickens and my grandmother didn’t let me out of the house for a month,” he pauses and watches Tim dissolve, realizing that his boss was now just playing a trick on them just as Martin suspected they were doing to him. 

“Oh!” Jon exclaims, his expression changing to one of genuine excitement, “but I did watch an amazing documentary on the infestation of Kudzu in American. It really is fascinating how quickly it grows and can take over whole towns.” Jon said this all in genuine wonder. He had in fact watched the documentary last night and he had found it fascinating. Martin smiled when he heard Jon’s voice like that. It reminded him of a child, their first time at the circus or riding a merry-go-round. 

“Tea’s ready!” Martin chirped, feeling once again content and reassured that Tim and Sasha were just pranking him. Martin smiled and handed them all their tea. Jon thanked him and turned to the other two, 

“Well that's my cue, as much as I’d enjoy continuing this confusing and pointless conversation, I actually have work to do. I know that’s a novel idea to some of us in the room.” With that he was gone. 

Jon walked down the hall chuckling to himself. He’d wait until the perfect moment to do it again, just to drive them crazy. This was payback for every torture Tim had ever put him through. 

He arrived back at his desk just as Martin returned to his, both with their teas in hand. Jon took a sip while rifling through stacks of paper to find his next statement to record. Martin took a sip of his before he returned to googling long-dead statement givers. Although neither of them could see the other, they both wore identical grins of satisfaction. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heheheh, what do you think the first vine that Jon quotes in front of Martin will be?  
> Comments are always appreciated  
> 


	3. But we're English?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A spider torments Jon, Jon torments his assistances. This is the way of the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Shows up 4 months late with a Starbucks in hand*  
> I really have no excuse for myself. I am very very sorry this is so late. I promise I do have more ideas for chapters, this one was just a little difficult for me to figure out.

Jon rarely left his office anymore and when he did, he tried to maximize the amount of things he got done so he could spend the most amount of time at his desk doing work. He normally arrived at work, went until lunch to get food and use the restroom, got up to clear away his lunch trash and tea mug after Martin’s afternoon tea, and then he would stay in his office until he realized it was time to leave or more and more these days just staying at work to sleep for a few hours. 

That’s why the archival staff was surprised to see him out of the office before lunch time. 

When Jon walked out of his office and into the room that the assistance shared, they scrambled to look busy. Tim quickly jumped from where he was perched on Sasha’s desk, moving to hide the neon yellow nail polish he was using on his fingers behind his back. This ended up spilling on Sasha’s desk and she ended up flicking his neck behind Jon’s back. 

Martin was the only one who appeared to be working. He had a statement open on his desk and he appeared to be drafting an email, most likely a follow up on some dead-ends. He had headphones in and Jon could hear the music coming through the speakers. A distant part of Jon’s brain recognized the song but he batted the thought away as preposterous. There was no way Martin had found his college band or if he had, that he even enjoyed the music.

Martin had, in face, found a band while stalking his boss but he had dismissed the idea that it was Jon almost immediately. The idea of Jon as an immortal space pirate was downright preposterous. 

“How's it poppin, Jonny boi?” Tim nonchalantly inquired, trying to play off his blatant slacking. 

“It is ‘popping’ downright perfectly, Timothy,” Jon replied, voice dripping in sarcasm, the frustration evident in his tone. 

Sasha and Tim exchanged wide-eyed glances. They were used to dealing with a surly Jon but rarely was he ever as downright nasty like this. 

“Jon, what’s going on? You need something?” Sasha asked gently

“No I’m fine, I just needed, uh… a glass of water! My throat was feeling rather dry after reading those statements.” 

In actuality, Jon had just been at his desk recording, when he saw a spider crawling up the side of his tape recorder. He had jumped up out of his seat and ran to the door of his office before he even realized what he was doing. He was out into the main hall of the archives when it occurred to him that he needed a cover story, lest his assistance find out about his frankly juvenile fear. 

He briskly crossed to the break room and out of the line of sight of his assistants. Martin had, at this point in time, noticed the entrance of Jon and paused his music. 

“Is everything alright with Jon?” Martin nonchalantly inquired, wanting the concern not to evident in his voice and failing in that respect. 

“Don’t worry Marto boy, our dear friend Jon is doing just fine. He was just feeling,” and next Tim changed his voice to inmate a posh, cartoon-ish Jon, “a bit parched.” 

Jon hear this from where he was situated in the alcove by the tea kettle. The fear that had been coursing through his veins was replaced with cold anger. Anger at Tim for making fun of him. Anger at the damn spider for cracking his perfect professionalism. Anger at his grandmother for never taking him to some much needed therapy. And in this anger a plan was forming. 

Sasha kicked Tim from across her desk. 

“Leave the poor man alone occasionally!” She whispered, “He’s obviously a little shaken, it was probably just a rough statement.” 

Martin looked torn, his instinct was to go and comfort Jon but he knew the sentiment would likely be unappreciated. Sasha saw this indecision written on his face. 

“Martin, I’m sure he’s okay. Just give him a little space.” 

Martin sighs but proceeds to put his headphones back in, cranking up the music to a deafening volume, attempting to drown out his feelings of inferiority and helplessness, knowing that his way of comfort would only bring more anger. 

Jon, having watched all of this knew what he wanted to do next. He waited in the break room as the conversation between Tim and Sasha changed. The pair was now cracking jokes about the respective people they had gone home with like Friday night after drinks. 

“There was this gorgeous woman there who invited me back to her place. Long legs, long brown hair in a braid, with leather boots, god she was beautiful. She never even left me her number,” Tim reminisced with a playful sigh. 

“Yeah well I ended up going home completely alone and not quite drunk enough to not be upset about that.” 

“Aww its all right Sasha, we’ll find you a strapping young lad who’ll all but beg for you to take him home,” Tim said, knowing full well that it wasn’t a lad that Sasha was pining for

“Tim,” Sasha rolled her eyes and deadpanned, “I’m a lesbian”  
Jon from behind the door of the break room could not believe his luck. These absolute idiots had loaded, cocked and aimed the gun. All he had to do was fire it. He walked out of the office, pausing Tim and Sasha’s conversation. They looked down at their desks to avoid a scolding from an onedge Jon, but unbeknownst to them, he had a much greater punishment to inflict on them. 

Checking to ensure that Martin had his headphones in and wasn’t aware of his surroundings, Jon crossed the room. Just as he was about to turn the corner into his office, he suddenly stopped, pivoted 180 degrees and deadpanned, “I thought you were American.” 

Pausing for only a moment to drink in the shocked gazes of his two assistance, Jon turned and went into his office slamming his door a little. He wished he had the forethought to take a photo because the looks on their faces had been a pure Kodak moment. He sat back down at his desk, feeling satisfied with himself. Tim wasn’t the only one who knew how to have some fun. 

The room outside his door exploded as soon as he was in his office. Tim shot out of his chair and turned to Sasha, “What the, and I can not stress this enough, fuck?”

Sasha was laughing so hard that tears had started falling down her face. She didn’t have the composure to answer him so he turned to Martin. 

“Martin, Martin please I am begging you please tell me you heard that,” He said as he sank to his knees, arms held up like he was praying to the meme gods. 

Martin looked confused and startled at the outburst. When Tim had ejected himself from his chair, Martin had been alerted that something had happened, but he had tragically missed the main event. Jon had been hoping for this, wanting to keep Sasha and Tim in torment for as long as he could. 

“Uh, Tim you okay over there?”

Tim looked at Martin and his face changed from hopeful to distressed to resigned and then finally Martin saw a wicked glint in his eye. One that he had only seen a few times before. Once right before Tim snuck into Elias’ office and super glued his stapler shut and once when someone had left a label maker laying around. The entire storage room had been relabeled incorrectly the next day. Jon never had any conclusive evidence that Tim had done it but he knew. Martin feared this look, knowing that nothing good could come from it. 

Tim silently rose from his position on his knees, and calmly sat in his chair. Folding his hands on his desk he paused and then turned to his companions. 

“I’m going to kill that man, or I’m going to die trying”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you guys think! I always love seeing your comments they keep me going for weeks.

**Author's Note:**

> The statement at the beginning of the chapter is MAG 36 Taken ill  
> Thank you so much for reading and please leave a comment! Also let me know what other vines you want to see.  
> 


End file.
